Below are the 8 most recent journal entries recorded in suitejeskabluis' LiveJournal:

Wednesday, May 11th, 2005
7:03 am	Schtuff Things are better. Im much more stable, I WAS going insane from finals week, but now that that is winding down, I think the other issues I was having have been put in better light- as in, I realised how petty everything is. Im being stupid and being hurt by- these people whom I TOLD I couldnt be with- getting into something- or even just wanting to be with- other people. Its a GOOD thing, I should be happy. But Im not. Selfish, selfish Jessica. Its just so soon, and with people they said they would NEVER be interested in. Boys make me wanna scream. At least Im up front. I dont like being lied to. If you liked me, you wouldnt be chasing someone elses tail a few days later. :( Im being petty and stupid again...I just...When you care about someone, even if you cant be with them...it hurts to see them want to be with someone else..(SELFISH!!) MEH- I dont really know how to justify it- the fact is, it hurts. I should be happy...BE HAPPY JESS :) On good notes: -Mary asked me to play in her game, which seems awesome (Im suprised she wanted me to, I was sure people realised what a pain I am to play with, and had politely given up on me) -Casey is the freaken awesomest!!!! -Fuzzy and I are getting close again. Hes so freakin funny, I love being able to talk to him, and we can have great- completely useless conversations. He and Ilona are adorable :) -IM GRADUATING IN FOUR DAYS!!!!!! (Holy shit) -AFTER I graduate (in 4 days!!!) I get to go HOME -No more classes...EVER (ok...till grad school- but still) -Casey is the freaken awesomest!!!! (to expand, shes just wicked nice to me, and such a good freind...Im so lucky I met her!) So yeah. One wish: I wish I could keep all these freinds Ive met at the end of this semester. Im really afraid I will lose them. Current Mood: thoughtful Current Music: Tool- Prison Sex (Comment on this)
Friday, April 8th, 2005
7:41 pm	Sitting waiting to go to RI My self is my destruction I grow and change again constantly scrutinize each detail who I am, from where Ive been Each level soon completed reveals the next above a neverending seacrhing for- who I am- and what I love Looking for the missing peice tangibility helping me find my place somewhere inside of this pre-disposed design A mind that tears itself apart a dream thats lost in me how can I find where Im to go when I dont know who to be? Im happy here, I know Im blessed Ive nothing much to lack but I cant give up inside my head what I feel I must give back -I race ahead inside my heart I analyze to destruction just need some help in finding me somewhere in this construction. Ive a thousand layers no ones seen so few have been uncovered but your the only one who's tried so many youve discovered You touch a place inside of me I need to feel exposed Theres creation born inside of us So these words I now disclose I need you deep inside me You find me where Im lost help me search inside myself Youll receive from me- your cost... Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: John Coltrain (Comment on this)
Monday, March 28th, 2005
2:05 am	riiight So today was actually good stuff. Went to church with Mom. Brought back an Easter Lilly for Bens Mom. Got taken out to Chinese craziness (tried sushi) by Herb and Donna-Rae Ben and I were handling break-up well. Cept when I would sporatically cry when looking at him all mopey. Ben and I talked when we were almost home, and I poured it all out. Left a gap for improvement, so this wasnt the end all, be all. We got back, I tried cleaning, Ian came on, we chatted. I was honest abotu Ben and I, and he and I are still hitting it off. Hes so awesome to me. So, this is good. We specified FREINDS. Ben then got the idea that if he did ___ I would take him back. Made REDICULOUS love to me...absoloutly mind-blowingly insane sex. And now he and I are really good. Both happy. (maybe its endorphins..but whatever) I think he thinks this means were back together, and I think its a perfect deal for me, because it WASNT ever stated, and if i need him to be my boyfreind, its there, and if he doesnt change, and I need out- Im already out. How conveient. I know I SHOULD feel uber guilty, but I feel really GOOD instead. Had awesome talks with Ben, awesome TIME cuddling(kinda) with Ben, and a wicked awesome time talking to both Ian and Travis. These people are my salvation....I hope I dont fuck it up. Didnt get my room clean tho. O well, I feel good going into this week. Thats all that matters to me right now. Jessica out :) Current Mood: hopeful Current Music: NIN- Now Im nothing terrible (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 27th, 2005
10:17 am	Holy Freakin SHIT So, last night, on the way home to talk to Ben (after talking it over with my mom) and then have easter sunday home, I got pulled over after deciding I needed to seriously end it with Ben...unless some kind of miracle happened. 200$ later :( So, Mom agreed with me, that it was something I needed in my life, and that if Ben really CANT do that, it might be silly to keep commiting myself to him like this. But talking to her didnt resolve anything, I already knew this. And when I knew I wanted to do this, I knew I had to do it now, and not wait for his birthday to go by, because that would be more lying. If I want this to work anymore, I need to explain Ian, but how DO I explain Ian? Ptttsshhtt. He just sat there, looking like he was going to cry, and acting like he didnt really feel affected. He just said he thinks its a stupid reason to leave someone, and that if thats the way I feel, theres nothing he can do. Which, as painful as it is, makes me realise that if he REALLY doesnt want to fight this, he REALLY cant want this. What a mess. If he were willing to try a little harder, to listen to what I want...to even try and find OTHER ways to make me feel loved, I think I could stay with him, but if nothing else comes out of him, I will be stupid to go back. I dont want to stay in this forever, I know I dont, and I KNOW its unhealthy, and if I dont do it now, Ill end up married to him, and have this underlying darkness for the rest of my life. What a freaking mess. I REALLY need to do something about Ian, wether or not Ben and I stay broken up, I cant be leading him on like this. I just cant. Its so wrong. I know I want to be his freind, and spend time with him, but if I mean what I say about wanting to be with Ben if he changed, then I cant also want to be with Ian, in any way other then freindship. IVE ONLY HUNG OUT WITH HIM TWICE...and NOTHING HAS HAPPENED. Its just so weird. :( Easter morning with my mom was nice, now Im making Ben a card for his birthday, and giving his mom some Easter Lillies, and going with his family to Portland for Easter dinner, and then were heading back to school after that. *sigh* I could use Jesus in the flesh right now :P tata for now... Im resolved to go with the flow, and stop forcing anything. Current Mood: gloomy Current Music: John Coltrain- genius loves company (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 26th, 2005
1:48 am	O my GOODNESS So I really REALLY need to be sleeping right now... but I have so much to write. Nothing more is really resolved on the Ben side, but I know what I need to do on the Ian side. I need to keep the sexual out. Even tho we dont do anything, I need to not let there be ANY sexual element to our intereactions. It will only lead to badness. I cant honestly beleive Im in this situation. WOW. Sooo... I played in my first REAL RPG, it was awesome. I was a Dark Faerie, and it was just plain awesome. I then hung out with other people, involved in this stuff, and had a freaking blast. We walked to this hut in the woods, in the full moon, and stared at the sky, and basically sat in silence, I NEED that more often. It was breathtaking, and awesome. Then I went to Irvings with them, then we went back to Mary and Travis' and had a big cuddle session. They jokingly called it an orgy, but there was no clothing loss, no sexual content, and I didnt do anything other then lie intangled with other people really. It was nice. Funny, comfortable. Then I came back here, because it was 4am. Now its 5 am, and I work in 5 hours. Im getting worse and worse...(at sleeping) I could expand on this, but I guess I wont. Sleep now. Current Mood: relaxed Current Music: nadda. Its time for bed. (Comment on this)
Friday, March 25th, 2005
5:02 pm	*sigh* So, today was really nice. Im really relaxed. I feel like Im going to vomit...but I feel an overwhelming calm somehow... I went to work, Keith was obnoxious, but I cant be mean to him, or just tell him to stop. I was just over-all really irritable at work. Then Ian and I met up... We walked to Cherries, it was closed, we talked and stuff, little bit too sexual I guess, I was good tho- I didnt encourage anything...i dont think. I kept looking for things to not be happy with...why isnt it working? We went to DDs instead. And it was nice, hes very nice to look at, and hes so damn nice to me. Then we went back to his room. It was bad. I felt akward, didnt want anything to be sexual...but there was all kinds of undeniable tension anyways. He was bad. Then he packed while I just sat there, and then he showed me some stuff online...really funny stuff, I had to get near him to see it on his computer, and then I was just so tired, and he smelled so good, I just kinda leaned against him a little...and it got comfy...but Im afraid it also got too intimate. :( I want comfort, I want touching, I just dont want to hurt him, I dont want to screw anything up...and I am...I so am. He rubbed my back, and did all kinds of teeny, non sexual things that just feel so good, and Ben never ever does, and probobly never will. But I think I need to tell Ian now...that I cant be more then freinds with him right now. There is STILL a relationship between Ben and I, regaurdless of how...whatever it is, and Im just going to fuck myself up if I keep up with this. I havent been eating or sleeping since I met Ian. ...thats not good. I know Im NOT cheating, but I feel like I did, and thats the only really important thing. I love Ben, but the fact is, I DONT KNOW what I want. Or I want too much, and I need to figure out what Im doing. Im going to go take a cold shower, perhaps cry, perhaps stare into space, then Im trying out this gaming thing. I...SUCK. a LOT. Poor Ian. I cant say poor Ben, maybe Ill feel it when I see him again, but I really think he pushed me into this, and I hate him for it. Poor Ian. Im a miserable person. Peace out. Current Mood: confused Current Music: Tool- Third Eye (Comment on this)
4:19 am	toilet So on top of all this shit, I just had to post that...directly after writing my last post, I went into our DISGUSTING bathroom, and flushed the toilet after wetting my toothbrush in the sick (I know, this doesnt make sense to me in retrospect either) And the toilet... commenced spewing water from every possible opening, the floor may very well be flooded, and I ... am just peachy. I need to get to bed. BAHHhh GAHHh Damnit. Current Mood: angry Current Music: none (Comment on this)
3:50 am	Tonight Ahhhh Silly silly me. Wish I had ANY freakin clue what was going on in my noggin...but I dont. Seriously. One minute I do, the next Im completely polar opposite. Ive lied. I dont want to go back to lying...really I dont. I dont care if it was BASED on the truth, Im sick of it, it leads to only badness, and Im so fucking close to screwing up so many different things, some of them ginormous, some of them not so big, but they may become so if I dont put brains inside my skull soon. I just cant think, Im not sure If Im too afraid to think about the severity of my actions, or just plain too stupid. I really just...who knows. Maybe Im bi-polar or I have mutiple personalities, and one takes over at certain moments. I dont want to think Im going to fuck myself over big time, but I think Im going to...I really do. SOooo... I see Ian...attractice kid, comes to the cafe, I look at boyfreind pth- Can I call him that? So...I go on questioning wether I CAN call him that- wether I want to, and realise, its way to damn big to ponder seriously. I tell people Ian is attractive, somehow I start talking to Ian, I start enjoying Ian, I make the mistake of meeting Ian in person. Im not ugly, I have a nice rack, Ian lusts after me, I lust after Ian. Ian has many things boyfreind severely lacks, that make me wonder why Im WITH boyfreind. I tell Ian how things are with boyfreind, dont call boyfreind boyfreind...or...decide he doesnt qualify as that anymore. I lie. He does. I cant rib myself of him, and have no idea if I want to. Ian is a sophmore, doesnt know where he is going, and who the hells knows where WE are going. Jess is confused, Jess wants Ian, Jess wants security of Ben. Jes wants Ben, Jess just mostl likely will never get the Ben she wants. Jess wants Ben and Ian to transmutate int o one being, where she gets to pick the traits, and all is right in the universe. GAHHHHhhH!H!H!HhH!h In other news, I write Ian poetry, lead him on completely, and am a horrible...HORRIBLE person, unfortunately (or is it good?) I really mean what I say. I meet awesome people, whom I really enjoy, wish I had met before, and hope I can keep up with. I veiw some pretty awsome Anime. Life is good. Ben is home, being a dick, because...that is what he does. Maybe I just want to be wanted, and Ian can want me, so I want Ian. Plus he is hott...O so hott. And...fun, and sweet. DAMNIT. Ben is...sometimes I cant remember what Ben is, he is funny, makes me happy like...30ish percent of the time. I guess I want to leave Ben, I just dont want to be alone, and I sure as hell dont wan tto deal with everything leaving Ben is going to wreak havvok on. Im a bad bad woman. If only I could settle my thoughts and make sense of things, maybe then life could not suck. I could straighten things out. Ill go back to Ben, Im almost certain I will, but dear GOD, dont let me hurt Ian. Im not sure I can do this without doing it now tho. :( *sigh* I need to sleep, I havent been able to... Work in 8 hours. *sigh* Current Mood: and nausiated Current Music: Perfect Circle, Magdalena (Comment on this)